Thursday, December 9, 2010

Sometimes I Wish....

Sometimes I wish I had a pull string.  You know the kind that toys have, you pull it and out spill the words.  I want one of those.  I want to pull the string and have the words just flow forth with ease.  Too bad God didn't install one of those when He made me.

Instead, I sit on comfy, pillow covered couch, looking at Counselor and the words get stuck somewhere in my throat.  I sit and look, wringing hands, trying to force something out of my lips.  When something finally does come out it is pittiful and small.   "Uhhm's", "Yeah's", and "I don't know's" are hardly profound and aren't very good at unraveling the tangled knot of craziness that is my mind.

There is such a disconnect between my thoughts and my voice.  If you put a keyboard under my hands I can hardly keep up with the words flowing out of my fingtertips.  Ask them to escape between parted lips and they all run and hide.  What is the deal with that?

Fortunately, my counselor is a wonderful woman.  I find her company very comforting  and I am able to get some words out.  I just wish that they would flow more freely, like they do on here, but I am trying.  I am trying and doing my best and I guess that is all I can do.

So, here is to sitting on comfy couches, covered in pillows two times a week and trying to talk without having a pull string to make the talking easy.  I am giving myself High Fives for trying though.  Baby steps are still steps after all.

*If you listen to the audio that is Toy Story in the background, thus the blog on pull strings LOL*


  1. I give you major kudos for trying, and I truly believe that eventually the words will come...

  2. Also, I'm sure you are not the only person who has difficulty talking. Our mutual friend's friend went to counseling for several sessions before being able to start saying anything. I think you have made amazing strides already. You are doing great.

  3. I agree with Kay!! Your Dad and I are soooooo proud of you!!!!!!!!! I really trust that talking will get easier with time and as you become increasingly more comfortable with your counsellor.

    When I was in my twenties I could not talk about the "essentials" that plagued me unless the other person guessed at what was in my past and confronted me with it; then, I was able to talk about it. Most councellors never got to the depths of my being because I was too ashamed to tell anyone about those experiences that I felt so guilty about even though you, Kay, and your Dad all have always felt I was not should not feel guilty because of my having been set up for all those ensuing situations!!

    Love Always, Your Mom who loves you sooooooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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