Thursday, November 17, 2011


Oh to be transparent. If we could all be transparent how helpful that would be. To be able to share our struggles, our failures, our strengths. To be encouraged and challenged by one another with grace and truth. Isn't that how God intended the Church to be. Yet so often church has become a place of hiding, cowering in our fear of being found out, of being judged,found un-acceptable. Who are we all but sinners? We know this and yet we give our sins only lip service. We share the ones that are deemed "normal" or "acceptable". We fear being ousted or looked down upon for being real. I may not be seen as being Christian enough if I admit to this struggle. I may be outcasted and set aside. And sadly this has been the case for many who have been transparant.

Even I in a small way have tasted the bitterness of Holier than Thou attitudes when I have dared to step past what is deemed acceptable questions and behavior. When I have dared to be the least bit transparant. It makes transparency all that much harder.

How refreshing it would be if transparency was acceptable. How many people would be saved from their sins if they could freely admit their struggles with no fear of condemnation? How many pastors would be saved from the heartache of sins being brought to light if they had been safe sharing the desires of their flesh long before they had been met out in reality?

I feel God calling me to be transparent, because without it their is darkness and in darkness shame and evil thrive. Transparency is not pretty. It is painful. It is soul wrenching. It is admitting to both the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, it is being fully human. It is putting yourself on the altar of other peoples judgement. It becomes their choice then to slay you or accept you and you have to be willing to accept both.

(Wow God are you sure you want transparency from me? I am not sure I can take it.)

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Scarlet Colored

Where to start. I have no idea. The last 10 months have been in many ways the darkest I have ever seen. In a way that was new to me. I was more lost than I have ever been. I have written about being on a healing road , trying to find "home". Last February I began to wander off that road. At first I sat looking at the road, but then I wandered. And after wandering I ran. You may or may not have read that I ran hard and fast with eyes wide shut . Fleeing into a darkness in which I lied to myself and said was light. Once there it was hard to see any light. The darkness covered my heart and my soul. The truth always comes out. With truth comes light, real light. Light that exposes the filth that darkness hides. Filth that has made me shrink. Filth turned guilt that in darkness could hide now grips me in its tight embrace. Guilty fears make me want to hide. They make me want to stop searching for home, because I fear I don't deserve the finding. So alone I sit. Afraid to reach out. Afraid to hear that which I already tell myself. Guilty fears- becuase when it comes down to it I knew better. I knew better than to wander. I knew better than to run. I knew better than to believe the lies and the liars. I knew better than to become the liar. I knew better than to act upon the eat the berries and be caught in the thorns . So here I stand scarlet colored and very alone. Hurt and hurting, both myself and others. Afraid to share. Afraid and ashamed of what will be thought of me, but also knowing that I deserve the thoughts. So tell me, where do I go and what do I do from here, because all I want to do is dig a hole and hide from what I know is the truth and the fear of being exposed.

These words below I treasure, because God Himself has pardoned my sins and to Him I am reconciled, but how do I pardon myself and climb out of the hole in which I have dug?

Arise, my soul, arise; shake off thy guilty fears;
The bleeding sacrifice in my behalf appears:
Before the throne my surety stands,
Before the throne my surety stands,
My name is written on His hands.

He ever lives above, for me to intercede;
His all redeeming love, His precious blood, to plead:
His blood atoned for all our race,
His blood atoned for all our race,
And sprinkles now the throne of grace.

Five bleeding wounds He bears; received on Calvary;
They pour effectual prayers; they strongly plead for me:
“Forgive him, O forgive,” they cry,
“Forgive him, O forgive,” they cry,
“Nor let that ransomed sinner die!”

The Father hears Him pray, His dear anointed One;
He cannot turn away, the presence of His Son;
His Spirit answers to the blood,
His Spirit answers to the blood,
And tells me I am born of God.

My God is reconciled; His pardoning voice I hear;
He owns me for His child; I can no longer fear:
With confidence I now draw nigh,
With confidence I now draw nigh,
And “Father, Abba, Father,” cry.