Somewhere along the way I must have left it behind. It wasn't until someone mentioned it in their writing that I even noticed it was missing. As I read their words I expected it to rise up and pull at the waters in my eyes and dig at my mind, but it wasn't there.
I took a mental note of the year; there had been no clearly marked line, no parting of a sea where I walked through and it was left to wash away. Never the less, it wasn't there. Shame had left and I hadn't even noticed.
I wrote last about how I don't have a word or a theme for this year. I still don't, but as I was thinking over my last year I decided that if I were to put a word over it like an umbrella to cover all it contained then that word would have to be MOVING.
Tonight during our Wednesday night service our Pastor started off by asking us to answer this question in groups of 4 -5 : Why did Jesus come to earth?
There are lots of answers to this question.
Our group of 4 came up with these reasons: 1. To pay for our sins 2. To die on the cross 3. To heal the sick, the hurting, and the lost 4. To show us God 5. To fulfill the prophesies.
I am sure that there are many more answers to that question. The particular answer that the pastor preached on was that He came to heal the sick and the hurting. His scripture reference was Luke 4: 18-19
“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
because he has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives
and recovering of sight to the blind,
to set at liberty those who are oppressed,
19 to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour." ESV
His message when condensed down to its most basic form was that we are all broken, lost, and hurting people who need Jesus, because you don't go through this world unscathed.
Since Adam and Eve ate the fruit way back in the beginning we have all been hurting and in need of a healing and a covering from God.
When he talked about the nakedness of Adam and Eve it reminded me of a blog I wrote way back in the beginning of my blogging. (If interested you can click on the Adam and Eve link above to read it.) Remembering it made me go back and take a look at it, re-read it, re-ponder where I was when I wrote it and where I am now.
I wrote in there about God's covering and how Christ's sacrifice covered me where I couldn't. When I wrote those words I was in the deepest depression I had ever been in. A depression so deep I wasn't sure I would make it out alive. (This is not an exaggeration.) After that depression eased with the help of medication I went from pondering God's provision to being a very prodigally prodigal child.
When I came to my own realization that God's provision was better than the pig slop I was feasting in I felt like the most mangerish manger person to ever return home.
I had essentially said to God, "Forget your fancy coverings you have given me I am going to go get me some forbidden fruit! You aren't cutting it."
Talk about feeling naked when I came walking back down that road to Him.
I felt completely EXPOSED and fruit stained.
(And here is a little something extra, a little something that God just showed me, cuz He is really cool like that: Even when I was feasting on pig slop and forbidden fruit God still had me covered..... because God will never leave me nor forsake me..... He loves me and covers me despite my anger and confusion, because He knows where and who I am. This is not to advocate sin. This is not to say once saved always saved, this is just to say that God is awesome and graceful and He knows His children and when they are lost and hurting He doesn't give up on them.)
I hid from humanity for a long while after that. I felt so stained and dirty and unacceptable that even though I had God's covering I couldn't forgive myself and didn't see how anyone else would be able to accept me as well.
Before moving to Groton I wrote about how we were moving, but God was too . Little did I know then how much He was and how He was orchestrating this move to Groton to bring healing back into my life and draw me back into humanity and out of my shame.
There is so much to this story that keeps unfolding and growing and deepening, but this is where it will end for now.