We are Moving, but God is too

3/7/2013

We are moving. 

It is going to happen.

Whether I am ready for it or not, (which I am not ready for by the way).

All things point to the very real reality that it is going to happen. 

• The fact that we sold our house that we lived in for the last ten years back in November of 2012.  The house that has been my home the longest of any other place claiming that title.  The house that 4 out of 7 of my babies were made in and brought home to.  The house that I thought would be mine forever.  
• The fact that 11 of us have been living in my parents 1200 square foot house since the middle of last August to prepare for the selling of our house and this upcoming move.
• The fact that my husband and therapist keep telling me that this is happening.
• The fact that we have notified the school that we are moving.
• The fact that the Navy has given my husband orders stating the same fact and I have been given the power of attorney for the movers to come and haul away all our belongings.

It isn't so much that I have been living in denial that this all is happenening it is just that it seemed so far off in the distance that I was able to kind of ignore it for a bit.  But now we are down to just 58 days.  It can't be ignored anymore.  Things I have put off have to be done.  Things like:

•  getting shot records and making sure we have all the shots that their new school will require, making sure I find out what shots those are. 
•  Getting in those last minute doctor appointments. 
• Meeting with the movers at our storage unit and unpacking all the boxes that I packed up so that they can re-pack them and have them be insured.
• Making sure I keep out the things we will need on our trip and once we get to our new location 3000 miles away from the place we all call "home".
• Doing this all on my own because my husband will be out to sea until 3 days before we move.

But these things aren't the things that give me the most stress and grief.  The things I worry most about are the things unseen but felt.  The feeling that I am disappointing and stressing out those that I love by moving our family as far away as we can go and still be in the same country.  It is the sadness that I see on our beloved neighbor boy's face as he tells me that my son is his only friend and he will have no one else to play with once we move.  It is my concern for this sweet sweet boy that he will be lost in our absence because I know how much he wants to be loved and accepted and how he will bow to the pressures of those who make unwise choices in order to feel that he is a part of the group.  I want to swoop him up and love him and take him with us to this new beginning.  It is knowing that the girl I call my "daytime daughter" and who I love as my own will be thousands of miles away from me and our home and family has been her second home and family for the last four years and as long as she can remember.  I worry for this girl whose own mother has in all practicality abandoned her for her own pursuit of happiness.  I worry that people we love will be lost before we can come back to this place of home again.  I grieve the loss of what Christmas will be like because it will happen for the first time in my 37 years of life without my sister being with me and I worry how she will live without me as well.

Even with all these worries I still try and find my trust that God knows what He is doing in spite of my mistrust, because there are signs that He is in charge along with the doubts and the fears.

• The fact that our house did sell, in a horrible market, at a price where we still came out ahead of the game.  I feel that in itself is a miracle.
• The fact that He is taking us back to the place where our marriage got off course and we have a chance to right those wrongs that we have been living in for the past fourteen years in the same place it went awry.  A place where we are forced to be interdependent upon each other.
• The fact He is bringing me back to the place where He promised me healing while sitting a hard church pew 14 years ago.  A place I thought I would never go back to and wondered why He would promise such a thing and then not stay true to it.

In the nights where I wake up and all the fears and doubts press down on me and pull at me I have to choose to trust, because really I have no other option.  I can allow myself to be paralized by the insecurities or I can pray this simple prayer:  "I trust you God, help me with my mistrust."  Because that has become my mantra in the last two weeks as the days dwindle down and I can no longer ignore the inevitable.  Sometimes when darkness falls and I wake in the middle of the night it is all I can do to slip those words through my parched lips as the chains of fear and doubt wrap round me tight, but He hears and He lovingly unwinds the chains as I can feel my spirit calm and I am able to drift back to sleep. 

We are moving, but I think that God is too.
It is going to happen.
And I have to trust even in the midst of my mistrust.