The theme of needing/wanting a hero has come up in my words before. More than once even. I have been on a search for a hero my whole life, but I have begun to realize that the elusive hero isn't going to come.
I am heading off to a women's retreat with my church this weekend. To tell you the truth, a big part of me wishes that I weren't. I have been fighting myself about going since they began talking about it. It is not your typical retreat, they call it Encounter. We are going to encounter God. There are actually quite a few rules attached with going. Rules that make this rebellious heart want to break them all. I haven't even left yet and I already feel fenced in, corralled.
On Wednesday night we had a pre-retreat meeting to discuss what to bring, what not to bring, and what to expect. My group leader talked about how if we are open to Him we will grow so close with God this weekend. Can I tell you how much I wanted to run right then. Intimacy with God, should be every Christian's dream right? Nope, not me. Not even with God.
I mock myself a little about this, because hello! this is God we are talking about Karmen. He already knows every intimate detail that there is to know about me, He is not the one who is going to be learning anything new. Since I knew this, I know it is not God knowing me that I fear as much as it is knowing what it will unlock inside of me.
Our group leader spoke of how as we go through life we pick up rocks and garbage along the way that we shove in our packs as we go. This weekend she said is designed to help us unpack a lot of that stuff.
Part of me wants that more than you can imagine, but another part of me is very afraid of holding those rocks in my hand. There is a well spring of anger attached to those rocks and I think if I pick them up that I am just as likely as not to start hurtling those rocks at God like a child throwing a temper tantrum and there is no telling who or what might get caught in the cross fire.
You are probably wondering what all of this has to do with "Hero". I don't know, other than maybe I am still looking for one.