Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Hiding, Heroes, and Death
I find my mind racing again and I am unable to sleep. So, I am up and trying to stop my mind by putting word to thought.
I am so afraid to talk and I am trying to figure out why. Why am I so afraid to talk? And the words I wrote in my final bandaid blog keep haunting me. "No hero to rescue me, no shelter in which to hide." Am I looking for a hero? Why do I want to hide? I am an adult and yet I keep finding myself in fetal position under blanket hiding at the thought of talking. Hiding, always hiding.
Trying to step back and look at myself analytically I think I am piecing together what might be going on. I could be way off, but this is my take on it.
I think that this current depression has opened up old wounds and let out the shadow that my mind has tried to keep hidden for so long. Whatever happened to me way back when was so traumatic that my mind tried to block it out for protection. The shadow has been un-loosed though and is trying to come back. My mind is fighting to keep it back, keep it away. Hide me from it and protect me from that memory.
I know that many of you think that it is Satan whispering to me of death, and it may well be, but as I lay in bed with my mind racing this morning I was thinking that maybe the protection of that memory is so great that as a way to save me from the pain, death or the thought of death is my minds way of protecting me from the memory. Leaping from a rail is preferrable to facing the shadow.
Before when suicide beckoned it is because I saw no hope for love or a future. This time I have no desire to leave my family. I have love and a future. I was so confused by the thoughts of death and dying, because I have so much. So much to be thankful for and to love and I know that I am loved.
If this memory is so traumatic that my mind would find death preferrable to remembering, it would make sense that I am looking for a hero, to be rescued, and why I keep wanting to hide. When I was little I couldn't save myself, I needed a rescuer, but I am guessing there was no rescue and so I tried to hide.
I am back there again, trying to hide as adult. Covered in blanket, looking for someone to rescue me. And I am terrified.
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i didn't sleep well last night and each time i woke, i prayed for you. i've been wrestling with wanting to die again, as a way of escape, not that i'm actually suicidal right now. that doesn't seem to make sense, but like you i have so much to live for. i continue to pray for you as i understand darkness too well. *hugs* and faraway prayers.
ReplyDeleteThank you for praying for me. I really appreciate all the prayers that people are sending up for me. I completely understand what you are saying about death. It makes sense to me. I am sorry that you fight with darkness.
ReplyDeleteI, too, am so sad that you fight darkness, Littlebitograce. I so appreciate your waking up and praying for Karmen so often last night.
ReplyDeleteI, too, Sweetheart Karmen, as you know so well have fought off depression. Also, as you know, I would have welcomed death several times in my life. When I worked at SPU I became acutely aware that I, too, have had a terrifying experience in my life. An incident brought that out. It then would be just past consciousness; almost to my conscious mind, but just past my ability to grab it with my conscious mind. I am sooooo glad that you are beginning to be able to analyze your shadow and darkness. How I want that we could have kept you from all of this, yet had no real knowlege anything had gone on (and certainly no proof, just a feeling that both your Dad and I felt privately, then shared with each other). Sadly, no proof to go after anyone legally, or preknowlege or premonition to have kept you away from harm before it happened.
i know you will see the sunshine someday again. your too brave to not! cry, all you want baby girl. hide too. there is a Someone who is holding you... rest in His arms, and don't beat yourself up for it.. i just love you bunches and bunches..
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