Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Hiding, Heroes, and Death
I find my mind racing again and I am unable to sleep. So, I am up and trying to stop my mind by putting word to thought.
I am so afraid to talk and I am trying to figure out why. Why am I so afraid to talk? And the words I wrote in my final bandaid blog keep haunting me. "No hero to rescue me, no shelter in which to hide." Am I looking for a hero? Why do I want to hide? I am an adult and yet I keep finding myself in fetal position under blanket hiding at the thought of talking. Hiding, always hiding.
Trying to step back and look at myself analytically I think I am piecing together what might be going on. I could be way off, but this is my take on it.
I think that this current depression has opened up old wounds and let out the shadow that my mind has tried to keep hidden for so long. Whatever happened to me way back when was so traumatic that my mind tried to block it out for protection. The shadow has been un-loosed though and is trying to come back. My mind is fighting to keep it back, keep it away. Hide me from it and protect me from that memory.
I know that many of you think that it is Satan whispering to me of death, and it may well be, but as I lay in bed with my mind racing this morning I was thinking that maybe the protection of that memory is so great that as a way to save me from the pain, death or the thought of death is my minds way of protecting me from the memory. Leaping from a rail is preferrable to facing the shadow.
Before when suicide beckoned it is because I saw no hope for love or a future. This time I have no desire to leave my family. I have love and a future. I was so confused by the thoughts of death and dying, because I have so much. So much to be thankful for and to love and I know that I am loved.
If this memory is so traumatic that my mind would find death preferrable to remembering, it would make sense that I am looking for a hero, to be rescued, and why I keep wanting to hide. When I was little I couldn't save myself, I needed a rescuer, but I am guessing there was no rescue and so I tried to hide.
I am back there again, trying to hide as adult. Covered in blanket, looking for someone to rescue me. And I am terrified.