Wednesday, November 3, 2010
I am a ponderer, a wonderer, and a questioner. I am analytical to a fault and often wonder who I am, what am I all about, and why am I here? Answers to those questions don't come easily. My search to answer them has spanned the last 20 years or more of my life. The reasons behind the asking have changed with time, but the questions still remain.
I can remember when I was in Jr. High and High school. Those were rough years for me. I considered myself damaged goods and the general populace of my peers did nothing but reinforce that notion. I can remember distinctly in my Junior year of high school sitting in class. One of the boys next to me who I considered a friend of mine turned to me and said, "Why don't you just do us all a favor and kill yourself."
I can't remember what I said in reply, but he may as well have stabbed me through the heart.
I am amazed that I made it through those years. I used to beg God to kill me. To let me die. I knew I shouldn't kill myself but I wanted nothing to do with living. In those years I had no answer to why I was here, who I was, and what I was all about. I just knew that I was and I didn't want to be. I felt completely damaged and like no one could or would ever love me. I certainly did not love myself.
Time marched on though and life and my future became a less scary place. I wish I could say that my self worth was never again questioned and that I never struggled with hopelessness, but it wouldn't be true. I know what it is to sob on a cold linoleum bathroom floor staring at the toilet and wondering if the water is deep enough to drown yourself in. I know what it is to feel as if you can't go on and that you aren't worth the air that you are breathing. Fortunately, God is good and I have gotten through those times.
I still question who I am, what I am about, and why I am here. I still see myself as damaged goods, but recently I have realized something. I have realized that everyone is damaged. Everyone has been hurt, has a past, has an issue. I am not unique in that way. I am not the only one. Sounds pretty basic doesn't it. It is amazing that it has taken me so long to grasp that. What really is most important about this realization though is that even though I am damaged, my worth has never changed. In God's eyes I am still His creation. Tattered and torn though I am, I am just as precious and worthy to Him as the day I was born. Nothing has changed in His eyes.
I think I have heard this illistration before, so it is not uniquely mine, but if you have a twenty dollar bill and you crumple it up, step on it, throw it in a mud puddle, and pick it back up it is still a twenty dollar bill. Its edges may be rough, it may be dirty and damaged, but it is still worth the same amount.
I am crumpled, have been stepped on, and thrown in the mud (sometimes I even wallow there), but God picks me up, unfolds me, and washes me off. My value hasn't ever changed. I am worthy because He made me and I am here because He wants me to be. I was worthy when I was new, I was worthy when I was crumpled, I was worthy while I was being stepped on, I was worthy when lying in the mud, and I am worthy when I am washed.
I just want you all to know that you are worthy too. Damaged or not. Dirty or not. Whether you are still lying in the mud or not, God created you and you are worthy and valuable to Him.
*As you read these postings of mine I hope that you never feel preached at. Lord knows I am not one who can preach. If anything, I am really "preaching" to myself, because I find myself needing to be reminded of who God is and how much He loves me even when I can't find any love inside of me for myself.*