Stuck Deep...

I am feeling stuck.  I am stuck deep in this overwhelming feeling of sadness, but it is a sadness without tears.  The medication has muted the ability to cry.  I am left sad and without tears.  My counselor asked me to journal this week when I started being negative about myself.  She wanted me to journal it and then talk to myself about the positives, to negate the negative thoughts.  There aren't really thoughts that come with this sadness though, it is just there.  Present and nagging.  Tugging at me all day long.  It is oppressive and heavy.  I feel as though I am clothed in concrete. Each step is weighed down and difficult to make. 

I wish I knew why I was sad.  I wish there was something that I could pin point and journal about.  Something that I could speak happiness into, but there are no words, just feelings.  I journaled a month ago about this feeling.  It is in my personal file, not one that I have shared and can link you to, but I will share part of it with you now.  It was/is my prayer.  I entitled it "when?"  Here are the opening and ending paragraph's of it:
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When is it all too much? When do I get to say I have fought hard enough, long enough, I am done fighting? Where do I go, to whom do I show my white flag of surrender?



Lord, I want to find You, but the road is daunting. The clouds have set in and I can no longer see your towers of strong refuge. So where do I go Lord, who do I turn to? Please send me a guide to show me the way.

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I know that the Lord is there, holding me, but He  is not always easy to see and feel though, through this fog of sadness and hurt.  It is not a lack of faith or of desire and want, it is just a fact.  So, today this is my struggle.