The them of the conference was our identity. We were given index cards and told to write who we are on them. I.E: Mom, wife, daughter, writer, etc. In other words the words that we use to define ourselves. Later on in the day we were given five minutes to reflect on who God says we are. During this reflection time I wrote this on my index card:
Who Am I?
writer mother wife sister artist daughter baker
Child of God
*I could have added more, but we had a limited time to do this in*
Who Is God?
- a lavisher of love-grace-hope-promise
- a washer of the dust of sins
- a restorer of dreams-purpose-life
- a snuggler- wrapping us tight in the arms of His care
- a healer- tenderly stitching the wounds, removing the infection, applying the salve
Who Am I?
I am a promise.
Who Is God?
A promise keeper.
Towards the end of the conference when things were wrapping up, I did something really brave. During the testimony time I raised my hand and I read these words out loud. Can I just tell you how much speaking out loud terrifies me! God has been telling me that I am going to need to learn to get over the fear, because He needs my voice, not just my written words.
As I spoke my blood started rushing fast and my throat constricted. I felt like I was going to choke on each syllable, but I kept on speaking until I had read it all. (I know what I wrote was not very long, but in that moment it felt like I was reading forever.) Then when I was done my heartbeat must have been at least 150 beats per minute, because it felt as though I had just ran the 100 meter dash.
I am telling you this, because I want to: 1. Be able to remember this step into what God is orchestrating and 2. To let you know that even in the midst of your fears and all the things that tell you just to stay where you are and to quit walking God can still use you. It is okay to take those steps despite the fear and despite the voices that tell you not to.
We don't have to be neat, tidy, polished packages before God can move in us and through us. He can do both of those things right smack dab in the middle of our anxiety, fear, or whatever else might be describing our "midst".
Even if my words spoken out loud did not move another soul in the room, the speaking out of them moved me and that is a mighty step indeed.