I am feeling very sad and empty this morning and I am not sure why that is. I just wish I could break this sadness. Maybe I am supposed to be sad today. Really, God, I just want to climb up in Your lap and cry. I am not even sure what it is I want to cry about.
I have been putting myself out there and being vulnerable and maybe that is what is causing the empty feeling. Maybe that feeling is more of a vulnerability than an emptiness.
Lord, please tell me what it is You want me to hear.
"Oh, My daughter!"
*I lean my head into Your chest and pull my knees up to my own as I burrow into Your lap. Your strong arms gather me into You. You lean Your forehead down and rest it atop my head as You breathe in my child scent.*
"My beautiful, beloved daughter!"
You say not much louder than a whisper.
"This little girl inside of you who feels so empty, who longs for love, who aches for acceptance and safety; the one you don't know how to quiet or fulfill, this little girl who has you climbing into My lap; I am enough for her and for you.
Feel my arms of protection wrapped tight around you. Listen to my heart that beats for you. Breathe in deep my sweet scent of peace, let it fill your lungs. Oh little one, know Me, rest in Me, and let the knowledge of who I am fill all of these aching empty spaces. May that raw open feeling of vulnerability be replaced with the security of knowing just how securely You are held in My hands."
*Long held tears empty themselves out, wetting His robe that lies beneath my head. I clutch the fabric and press it to my face.*
Oh, God, this is where I should have been all along, all those times I was searching for comfort and fulfillment. All those times I went out trying to quiet the emptiness in the wrong arms, in the places the world said fulfillment lays, help me to come back here when the past rises and the vulnerability comes. The times I feel empty help me to remember this moment, this holding. Help me to know that Your lap is always waiting.
*My bitter tears of the pasts hurts and harms empty out and soak into His garments and there bitterness turns to sweet. Emptiness and vulnerability exchanged with fullness and safety. I am known and I am loved. He kisses my head as I get up to face the rest of the day. He is more than enough to fill.*
See what great love the Father has lavished on us,
that we should be called children of God!
And that is what we are!
1 John 3:1 NIV
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ReplyDeleteThis is truth and bravery Karmen. I know that little girl oh too well. <3
ReplyDeleteComing over from imperfect prose. Glad to have read this today!
Oh Karmen, this touches the same sad, empty feeling within my own heart. I love how you describe the tender attachment to "Daddy." Such a beautiful childlike trust. It also makes me realize that child in me is aching to have that type of relation with our Heavenly Daddy. I know He loves me so dearly and I can't do without Him, but to have that childlike trust is hard, probably because I never had that from my earthly daddy.
ReplyDelete"My bitter tears of the pasts hurts and harms empty out and soak into His garments and there bitterness turns to sweet. Emptiness and vulnerability exchanged with fullness and safety." So beautiful and heartwarming. Thank you so much for making me feel less alone today!
Lovely! I have always loved that word LAVISH when in the context of love. So extravagant. Thanks for sharing your journey!
ReplyDeleteOh friend. You write such beauty today, pouring straight from your heart - and Papa God's. I love to "see" you there, on his lap, hearing his whispers of love and finding your place in his arms. You have come so far and there is even greater ahead as he continues to heal such deep hurts and you grow in the confidence of your identity in him. Love you.
ReplyDeleteI think that is the heart's cry of God's children to know and believe deep in our bones that we are seen and loved by God. He has such BIG love for his children...I pray you are feeling it today.
ReplyDeleteI meant to comment on this when you first posted it..Thank you for sharing it. Beautiful! It was perfectly timed and blessed my heart much! I so needed It! It resonated deep-that week held many tears...a friend was helping me understand my tears- how many are from so long ago but now they are finally finding a safe space to fall...we read your post...I told her I whished Jesus was here in human form so i could really crawl into His lap and He could really hold me...later He sent me these vereses and a picture in my mind to draw into paper....Jesus holding me.💗thank you for sharing this!
ReplyDelete"The eternal God is your refuge, and his everlasting arms are under you. "
"As a mother comforts her child, so I’ll comfort you"
I wish I could figure out how to make it so I could reply to each of your comments individually, but I wanted to say thank you for the encouragement and for sharing with me how my words have touched you or how they resonate with you. You all bless me very much.
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