Monday, April 15, 2013

Just Write: The background music says it all

This is my first post linking up with

The house is beginning its quieting din.  The time right before everyone settles in for the night.  My daughter cuts herself a piece of cranberry orange cake purchased from Costco earlier today.  It is rather crumbly and gives part of itself to the floor.  I tell her she is making a mess.  More of a commentary than a criticism.  She says that she will sweep.  "Oh, good!  Get the dining room while you are at it."  I say a silent thank you to the cake that spilled, because I hadn't really wanted to sweep tonight. 

I watch her as she sweeps the floor, singing off key and being very teenagery as she does it.  I see how she is growing up and changing.  It brings out the critical in me.  I can see in her the parts of me that I never liked, the parts I wish I had learned to master.  I hold back my tongue and stop myself from saying things about what I notice and how she can be better than me.   I don't want her inner voice to be the same critical tyrant that mine is.  I want better for her, so I bite my lip. 

I fight with that tyrant daily, moment by moment, and I know how those battle scars look and feel and I want better than that for her.  That tyrant in my head is vicious.

She has finished sweeping the floor and I sit in darkened silence and I fight for my daughter and myself against that stabbing voice.  The voice that tells me my ruin will ruin her as well.  And I fight and I fight and I fight, because she is beloved and I am trying to learn how to feel beloved too in the midst of my broken.

The music of Swan Lake plays in the background on a tv in another room.

Writing beloved has quieted the tyrannical voice.

In case you want to read a synopsis of Swan Lake

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