Thursday, March 7, 2013

8 weeks of wednesdays

On counseling:


Nine weeks of Wednesdays, now eight after today's session.  That is it.  Only 8 weeks left with the person who has become my confidant, my balance, the person who speaks grace to me.  Eight weeks and then it is over. 

How strange of a relationship this is.  How helpful and harmful is this relationship of sorts.

It took me a good long time to be able to open up.  Even still the words clog in my throat and scamper out of my head and we just sit staring at each other for a spell.  And now here I am with only 8 weeks left.  And then that is it, the end. 

Eight weeks left with this woman who will never be my friend.  Who I will never know outside of those four walls we sit within, but who knows me more intimately than any other human being on the earth. 

And this knowledge that it is ending and the awareness that I will never know her the way she knows me, it feels like rejection.  A rejection so deep that I am reduced to tears every time the thought of it brushes against my consciousness. 

I know that it is not rejection of me in those rational parts of my brain that understand her job, the way it works, and how it is.  But oh how those other parts cry out and scream  R.E.J.E.C.T.I.O.N at me.  Along with UNworthy, FOOLish, FOOlish girl.  And I feel it in my toes and they make my leg shake with the acknowledgement of this abandonment that is coming.  The shaking foot rocks my body, trying to give comfort, desperately trying to soothe the loneliness that I feel.  It is a self soothing habit formed long ago in a time when I would have tea parties with Jesus and my stuffed animals, because they were my only friends.

This counseling that has been so good for my soul is also a threat to it at the same time.  It is the binding up and the undoing of the fragilest parts of me.

She has asked me if I will see another counselor once we move.  My answer is no, because I don't think I can do this again.  This learning to trust someone so deeply who is so transient in my  world.  What I need is confidant and friend. Friend who isn't bound by four walls and 45 minute blocks of time once a week. 

1 comment:

  1. Oh, my dear, there are friends out there. Ones who trust and don't judge. Friends who know that we're all broken and in need of support and love. I will pray for you ... that one will come forth quickly. Be the friend that you need and you will recognize her early on. Friendships take time, but .... you'll know who she is.
    I'm praying that God will bring her.


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