Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Funny How It Works That Way.....

It is funny how a few weeks ago I couldn't get the thoughts to stop.  They kept charging at me full speed.  Thought after thought, so fast that I could barely catch hold of them to process what they were.  Now I am lucky to have any thought to ponder.  The thoughts have all but disappeared.

I was trying to explain this trasformation in a letter to my therapist.  It is hard to find things to talk about when there are no thoughts popping up.  At first I had so much that I could hardly pick a place to start.  I wrote letter after letter of thoughts.  Now blank pages stare and stay blank.

I explained it as if I am Jeckyll and Hyde.  Jeckyll contains the me that is happy, content, able to be a part of life and deal with the trials that life has to bring.  Jeckyll lives in the now, is not bogged down with the past.  Hyde contains all that is sad.  Everything that has ever hurt me or changed me.  It is all contained in Hyde.  When Hyde is around Jeckyll is not easily found.  The two are almost incapable of existing together at the same time.  It is one or it is the other.

Trying to find the other is like looking for someone in a dark room.  You can maybe make out their form, but you are unable to see them clearly.  That is how it is.  I am currently Jeckyll, fairly happy and content and Hyde is elusive, vague, and hard to find.  I know that all that "stuff" is still in there, but I can't make it out clearly. 

If I try and shine a light on it I am afraid that the happiness will run and hide and I will go back to being stuck with the "stuff" hitting me at 90 miles an hour again. 

I have my next counseling appointment tomorrow and I am trying to think of something to talk about.  Something that will maybe allow me to shine a light on one of the things in that dark room.  Unfortunately I am drawing blank.

This is going to be a long tedious road to healing I think.  As much as I dislike being "Hyde", one good thing comes from being in that mental space, counseling and finding things to talk about is much easier.  Kind of ironic that now I am comfortable talking in a counseling session the medications have forced Hyde back into hiding and along with him all the "stuff" that is worth talking about.  Funny how it works that way.




Why did I want to shine a light on that Hyde character again?!? 



  1. I know you will probably think this is crazy! But I have found with my own life that when I am doing and thinking and praying for others, that my life is much happier (content!). You have been focusing on others lately with the pay it forward! And you have been content!!! We can "hear" the difference in your voice! I am praying for you Karmen!

  2. True, Becky. I find though that I am unable to focus on others unless I am in a content and happy place....at least not to the extent that I am. Because I am happy I can pay it forward. =) I am glad that the happiness is showing in my "voice".


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