My heart breaks for her.
(It is hard for me to say "me" that my heart breaks for "me". I can say "her". My heart breaks for this little girl in the picture, but there is a dis-connect between her and me. I am not sure why that is. I am trying to connect with her, to allow myself to feel broken-hearted for myself instead of just feeling "broken".)
I run my fingertips over the picture. I touch her soft blond hair, look into those blue eyes that are so big, her chubby little legs poking out of her short, white, little girl dress and she is the picture of innocence and beauty.
I look at her and I want to snatch her up out of the picture and hold her, protect her from the shadow that I know is lurking, and the tears spill over the damn that has been holding them back.
She is just a picture. Flat. I can't protect her. The shadow will get to her. Her little white dress of innocence will become stained and dirty. She will become nothing more than a dishrag used to mop up the shadow's desires. She will become broken and scared; looking for home. Words will elude her, she won't have them to say. No one will come to rescue her. No one will come to rescue her and she will cry. She will cry and the memories will hide in the recesses of her mind just as I imagine that she tried to hide. My heart breaks for her, because I can't take that away. I can't take it away, because her broken-ness is my own.
I am broken and all I can do is look at her and let the tears spill down, because I couldn't save her. Now I am left here looking at a picture of a person that I couldn't protect and all I can do is try to un-loose the memories that she burried deep. I need to find her crouched small in the darkened corner of my mind and bring words to her wordlessness, take her by the hand and lead her to the home that she so desperately sought all those years ago.
I need to look at her and see that she is me and I need to find that same broken-hearted compassion that I feel for her and give it to myself. I need to let the tears spill down for me as well as for her, because it is time for both of us to stop hiding. I need to find the right someone to help me do this. To show me how to find her, to find the words, and the memories, and then how to get back home.
My heart breaks for this little girl too. I happen to know she is going to grow up into a beautiful woman, inside and out. I also know she is going to find her way home. You are doing good work, Karm. Hard work. Thanks for allowing us to join you in this journey. You aren't alone. I continue to pray for you each time I read your blogs. One never knows how their life and words will touch others. I am also praying for those whose lives are touched by your words.
ReplyDeleteGrand and GLORIOUS new day, Karmen !!! WOW !! I wish I could convey how exquisitely your TRUTH,... truth in the inward parts ,...deeply affects my heart,...causes me to ponder the intricate depths; I am sooo blessed to share in your extraordinary journey out of the darkness of hopelessness and despair,...even a corner of that is too much,..into the bright and beautiful HOPE AND JOY of today and THIS moment !! I, too, join my prayers and petitions with yours,.... and I celebrate your courage to not only do this thing,... but to share it for others to follow,... to reach forward to total FREEEEEEDOM !!! What an awesome testimony you are living out, dear friend !!! I am fully confident that soon you will emerge with this little angel hand in hand ~ DANCING ! It is an honor and JOY to hear your thoughts !!! THANK YOU !! Brandi
ReplyDeleteyou are in my prayers sweet baby girl.. as always. HARD? yes.. WORTH IT? yes.. keep stepping.. and let grace be your guide.. luv ya bunches of oats.
ReplyDeletewow. I now nothing of your story, but feel compelled to pray. Allow God to do the word He desires. I know as hard as it is, it is worth the journey.
ReplyDeletebreaking my heart, let her know she is loved by one that wants her to come out and play and be a kid again...
ReplyDeleteI have nothing sufficient to say in response to that, but thank you. Peace of Christ to you.
ReplyDeletei am a wounded heart, broken by those who were supposed to love and protect, and i feel those same shadows eating away at me, memories that try to drown, and the numbness that comes w/ trying to just be/feel/pretend normal.
ReplyDeletei also don't know your story, but i resonate deeply w/ these words and the need to protect "her" and the NEED to love "me" today, this day.
despite.
all the despites.
hugs.
Your words are full of deep pain. It hurts to read them. That's good, in a way, because it means that you are able to express some of that deep hurt you've experienced.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad Misty read what you wrote today, and left her comment of love and understanding.The wonderful thing about this little blogging community is that we so often find souls who have experienced similar hurts, and we can find the road to healing together. May you know His great love for you, somehow, in the midst of it all.
karmen, thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. as you share, we(me) are praying for you and along with you. i'm praying for re-connection, compassion for yourself and complete restoration, that God would restore the years the locusts have eaten. that's my prayer for me this year too. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteTears come to my eyes . . . because I think reading your words and seeing the picture . . . I've a very similar picture I've tucked away. I know God is slowly healing as I allow Him . . . and He can give us back those years that seem missing. Blessings, dear . . . please keep writing.
ReplyDeletePS I've just blogged about Ann Voskamp's new book out, One Thousand Gifts . . . I think it would greatly encourage you!
praying!
ReplyDeleteSuch broken love you hold for this sweet child
ReplyDeletepraying for you and her as you find you way home to his arms
oh karmen... and this is how Jesus looks at you too... he treasures you deep, friend, and he's saving you, one day at a time. what a poignant, touching post. love to you sister.
ReplyDeleteAsk the Holy Spirit to find her and watch Him heal her. He will do it. You do not have to, in fact you can't. But He is able. I can't explain how, I can only say that though the source of my pain was different than yours, I have seen Him find and heal some of my Lost Girls. And when she is ready, when you are ready, tell her that it is ok now, that you are there now all grown up and able to protect her, she is safe now. I'll be praying that the Lord leads you to the right person to guide you.
ReplyDeleteCalling them "lost girls" brings up so much mental imagery! I am so glad you found my blog. I am loving everything you have to say Ms. Joybird. Thanks for your comments.
ReplyDeleteThank you to everyone for your love and your support. It truly is helpful to me to get your feedback! Much love to you all.
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