This is the third installment of this series. My heart Part One My heart Part Two
"You went in for an operation, but you got up off of the table before it was done."
That is what he had said to me, my pastor, at our meeting. I wasn't sure I agreed. If I had gone in for an operation it felt like I had chosen the wrong hospital. That weekend had very definitely left me torn wide open and had left me in need of some sutures at the very least.
I went home and I bled. I didn't know where to find a doctor to close me up. I sent a letter to my old counselor in Washington asking for some direction. I also started looking online for help; reading articles and buying books. I was desperately trying to find the right sutures to stop the bleeding.
I found this book and ordered it off of Amazon. When it came I read 100 pages of it that first night. I was holding in my hands what may as well have been titled "Understanding Karmen", because it was 400 pages of everything I had ever felt, thought, acted on, and didn't feel. I was not some crazy, bad, mis-created person. I was a violated person left damaged by the violation. Everything I think, feel, and don't feel is common!
I always knew that to some extent, but to see it written down in black in white was freeing. It was like finally having a diagnosis for my emotional ailment.
With the exception of the pre-pubescent abuse that I suffered at the hands of my friends father I never had clear memories of what had happened to me. I always knew something had happened because of who I was, but without the memories to go along with it part of me felt as though I was making more out of it than needed to be made.
The weekend retreat had opened up that wound deep, and now that I look back I hadn't gone to the wrong hospital, that weekend was just the first step to prepare me for the surgery that I needed. The infection had to be removed before the healing could take place. And that infection continued to ooze out as I have written about in the last two posts. Oozing validations that something most definitely had happened to me in my childhood that were justifying the diagnosis I held in my hands.
As comforting as that was I was still left bleeding and oozing. The infected memories were frightening and I was not in control of what seeped out of the wound or when.
In His complete mercy, God gave me a name, a diagnosis, for that black slimy blob I was holding in my hand; that cancerous slime called childhood sexual abuse. But His mercy did not stop there. He also gave me a diagnosis to hold in my other hand, papillary carcinoma of the thyroid. It may not be the diagnosis to answer the three+ years of medical mysteries that I have gone through, but it was a validation that listening to my body is important. (The story of how this diagnosis came about verges on the miraculous, but it will have to wait for another day). I had decided that my body was just a big fat liar who liked to create pain and mayhem and this diagnosis let me know that at least sometimes my body was telling the truth.
He was answering my angry prayer from the few months before. He was letting me hold the answers in my hands to show me that when He healed me it would not be from my own overwhelming defectiveness. He was giving me reasons, tangible ones, and He was continuing to say, "Trust me."
(To be cont.)
I went home and I bled. I didn't know where to find a doctor to close me up. I sent a letter to my old counselor in Washington asking for some direction. I also started looking online for help; reading articles and buying books. I was desperately trying to find the right sutures to stop the bleeding.
I found this book and ordered it off of Amazon. When it came I read 100 pages of it that first night. I was holding in my hands what may as well have been titled "Understanding Karmen", because it was 400 pages of everything I had ever felt, thought, acted on, and didn't feel. I was not some crazy, bad, mis-created person. I was a violated person left damaged by the violation. Everything I think, feel, and don't feel is common! I always knew that to some extent, but to see it written down in black in white was freeing. It was like finally having a diagnosis for my emotional ailment.
With the exception of the pre-pubescent abuse that I suffered at the hands of my friends father I never had clear memories of what had happened to me. I always knew something had happened because of who I was, but without the memories to go along with it part of me felt as though I was making more out of it than needed to be made.
Sometimes, before a wound can be healed you have to open it up and get the infection out.
The weekend retreat had opened up that wound deep, and now that I look back I hadn't gone to the wrong hospital, that weekend was just the first step to prepare me for the surgery that I needed. The infection had to be removed before the healing could take place. And that infection continued to ooze out as I have written about in the last two posts. Oozing validations that something most definitely had happened to me in my childhood that were justifying the diagnosis I held in my hands.
As comforting as that was I was still left bleeding and oozing. The infected memories were frightening and I was not in control of what seeped out of the wound or when.
In His complete mercy, God gave me a name, a diagnosis, for that black slimy blob I was holding in my hand; that cancerous slime called childhood sexual abuse. But His mercy did not stop there. He also gave me a diagnosis to hold in my other hand, papillary carcinoma of the thyroid. It may not be the diagnosis to answer the three+ years of medical mysteries that I have gone through, but it was a validation that listening to my body is important. (The story of how this diagnosis came about verges on the miraculous, but it will have to wait for another day). I had decided that my body was just a big fat liar who liked to create pain and mayhem and this diagnosis let me know that at least sometimes my body was telling the truth.
He was answering my angry prayer from the few months before. He was letting me hold the answers in my hands to show me that when He healed me it would not be from my own overwhelming defectiveness. He was giving me reasons, tangible ones, and He was continuing to say, "Trust me."
(To be cont.)
I am loving this story and your telling of it... you have gained so much insight in the past month, friend. I'm so glad some of the pieces are beginning to fit together, and how this all points to the depth of God's graciousness and commitment to your (and our) wholeness. I know, too, these revelations - which are far from over - have come at some gut wrenching costs. And I believe, with you, they will be worth the pain of the journey.
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