As always I let the word lead me for as long as it leads.
"I cannot fill that which is already full."
I look into myself deep. What I feel is empty He sees as full. So, I hold the proverbial bowl of me in my hands, like Pooh looking into the honey pot. And like Pooh, I don't find the sweet goodness I am looking for.
"Helloo-oo-oo?" I call out into the emptiness. "What are you seeing Lord that I am not?"
"I see fear. Fear of failing. Fear of being hurt. Fear of being unwanted. So much fear that you can't allow anything new to come in. No willingness to risk being known. You want relationship, but you are not willing to empty out the fear in order to be filled with being known and loved. Even with me."
"Hmmm." I don't like that answer much, because I know He is right.
"I also see hurt. Hurts that guide and fill every action and thought. You don't see them, because you refuse to bring them into the light. My Light. A dark room can look empty until you turn on the light. And baby you need to let me turn on that light. Until you allow yourself to see and feel the hurts I cannot fill you with healing."
I say nothing, but my "empty" bowl is starting to feel much heavier in my hands.
"Sadness and Anger fill you like intertwined weeds that climb and strangle. You don't see them, but I know you feel them, but you don't like to feel, so you numb yourself from them as much as you can."
I look again with open eyes.
"How do I empty these things, so that you can fill?"
"Trust Me. If you fail, trust Me that I will prosper you later. If you hurt, trust that I will hold you. If you are unwanted, trust that I will always want you. Trust that I will lead you where you are meant to go. Give Me control over guarding your heart. I can guard it much better than you can. Trust Me. You fear knowing Me, because then you will truly know yourself. Trust that I created you without mistake. The you that you fear is not the you that I know and created you to be.
Trust Me to show you the hurts without overwhelming you with them. Trust My timing in what I bring to light and when. Trust Me to illuminate that which you have kept in darkness. Stop holding your hand over the light switch and saying you can't turn on the light. Trust Me to hold the switch.
Trust that I created all feelings for a reason, even the ones you don't like. There is a purpose for feeling them. Trust that I can work through sadness, anger, and fear, but only if you stop pushing them back down. Stop numbing yourself. Trust Me. It is trust that will empty you, so that I might fill you."