So I had a thing happen this morning. A hurtful thing. A stinging thing. A thing that felt like my hand being slapped after reaching out.
That thing sent into motion a flurry of tears and heartbreak and wondering why I even try to reach.
My morning was quickly turning into mourning.
But I only had half of the story. My half. There was nothing untrue about the half I had, but it was only a partial picture, not the whole.
I had put up a video onto a church facebook page. One of me reading out loud the last blog I had posted. I had read those words out loud in our women's book study group earlier that night and had been asked to share it there.
When I woke up in the morning facebook told me that I had activity on that post. When I went to see what was there that post was gone. As was the post I had made the week before.
I tried to shrug it off. I am new to this church and this page, maybe I had overstepped a line I didn't know was there, but the longer I sat with it the more painful it felt.
The old tapes started to play you know the ones, the mean voiced ones that never lead anywhere good......... "I told you not to share!" "Just who do you think you are anyways?" "You aren't wanted!"
I messaged a friend. She said, "ASK WHY! Get the whole story!"
So after sitting in my sadness a little longer I did. And then I waited and I fretted and cried some more.
Then the answer came. A very reasonable answer. One that had absolutely nothing to do with me and nothing to do with what I shared other than that page was not intended for that purpose and at the last update some of the settings accidentally were changed. It was just a misunderstanding and nothing personal.
My brain accepted this news right off, but it took my heart a little longer to catch up.
And it made me wonder how much of my life is like this. I react to only the small part of the picture that I know. It won't be until I can see the whole picture that I fully will understand it.
And how often is God saying, "I have the whole story! Ask me!" and I choose to mourn over just the small bit of the picture that I can see. My brain is accepting this quite well, but my heart is taking a little longer to catch up.