*I never time myself for five minute Fridays. I let the word lead me for however long it leads.*
I find that even with all the strides I have taken this year and how far I have come from where I was I am STILL me. I STILL have the same under lying issues that I have always had. I STILL struggle.
Some days, months, seasons even I struggle more than others. This is that season. The season when I have to push down even harder on all the things that try and push their way out of me. All the unknown memories that tease me from the shadows. The little girl trying to be heard, seen, remembered from behind her prison. The little girl that has me clinging tight to a teddy bear at night.
I push down hard on what is pushing up and burrow deeper into blankets and solitude. Shutting myself off even when surrounded by people. Closing in. Walling off.
And the anger is there. Anger at me. Anger at them (whoever the them is who feels too close to my walls, or let me down, or who makes for a good distraction from all the pushing that is going on inside.) I don't lash out at most of them I just let it all reverberate inside of me. Most of the time because I know the anger is petty and more of a me issue than a them issue.
I STILL do all of this, but I am getting better at knowing and recognizing it. Seeing it for what it is and acknowledging it. I am also better at not completely hiding away from the world. I am planning, and hosting, and not shaming myself for the internal pushing.
I am working on showing up even when I want to hide away. I am giving myself grace for when I can't force myself to show up. I am working on giving others grace for their lack of understanding, and grace for the fact that some things could solely be my perception and not the reality.
I am STILL a work in progress. Still working, still progressing.
Still hurting, still wounded, still healing, still learning.
"Be still and know that I am God"
I will sit in stillness and also IN my "STILL-ness" and know that God is God. He has me in all of my stillness, no matter which meaning of still that I mean. And I will let Him reign over it all.