She sat in the crowd not knowing if she fit in, but she was there and for now that would have to be enough. She looked around at the other faces and backs of heads in the crowd. They all seemed to know something that she didn't; how to be comfortable in their own skin. Some raised their arms up, others swayed back and forth, and others were crying - openly letting the tears stream down their faces. As she watched the crowd she wondered what it would be like to feel emotions the way they did, integrated, mind and body both working in collaboration instead of being separate entities.
The man up front started to speak and the words broke through her observations and seemed aimed directly at her heart. Her eyes stopped looking at the crowd and focused solely on the man. She watched to see if he knew who he was speaking to, if he knew his words were aimed at her or not. He spoke of freedom and of being whole and she watched his eyes closely. He believed what he was saying. She could see it in his face that he meant every word, but she still wasn't sure if it could be for her or not and then he looked at her. He looked right into her eyes and he talked about chains binding hearts; she felt as if her heart stopped beating and she held her breath. Was he really speaking just to her, did he somehow know? She felt visible, as if he could see through her eyes and into her blackened soul. As much as she had hoped to be seen, this viewing seemed too exposing and she looked away. When she looked back he had moved to the other side of the stage. She was safe again.
When the man stopped talking he invited the hurting up to the front. He offered healing. She ached for that healing, but she knew what would happen if she let her feet take her up there. Her body would be present, but her mind wouldn't be there. It would be wondering what she was supposed to do, how she was supposed to behave. Her mind and her emotions would be frozen, because if anything came all would come and she would wash away with them and take everyone else with her. So, no, no she would not move. She would stay and watch as others went forward. She would watch as they were able to let the waves wash over their eyes and hear as their sobs left their lips and she would wonder how they could do that, especially in front of eyes like hers that were watching, and how they could feel without being washed away by the feelings.
It was time to leave, the healings were over, the crowds dispersing. She left wondering if she would ever learn how to go about being whole.
I posted my fmf post right after yours. I absolutely love your words here, you captured the emotions so well. I can picture the scene and relate with the one that won't go forward for healing. Wow. Very moving!
ReplyDeleteThank you Amanda! Off to read your post.
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing to me, how you can articulate your experiences, emotions, sensations, observations, in a way that shows you know what's going on inside you, but not necessarily where to go with it. I can see so clearly from this "factual fictional" story, this sense of being fragmented, this search and hunger for wholeness, the painful wrestling with the How and the If it will be for you. I obviously can't answer those questions for you, either. But I do believe, with all of my heart, that wholeness is for you. And maybe it won't happen at the foot of a stage in front of a crowd, but more like a painting or a stitching or a knitting together, until you finally know it in your soul. You are whole.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm so happy, too, we got to 'sit' next to each other this week for FMF ;-D
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