Tuesday, February 19, 2013

On Healing

On Healing

It is S.L.O.W.
It is painful.
It is lifting and heavy.
       It is like trying to breathe after running a fast mile, or in my case around the block, okay I’ll be honest, more like just DOWN the block, not even around it. I am gasping for the life giving oxygen that my body needs but the breathing burns my lungs. Yes, healing is like that. Good for you but it burns at the same time. At least that is my experience so far.

       I never knew how long it would take, this healing thing. It has been over two years since I started counseling and two years this month with my current counselor. I have only 11 weeks left with her before we move. Only 11. Not nearly enough to do what needs to be done, but it is all I’ve got. I have been asked by family members if I still even need it and what do we have to talk about after all this time. I would have liked to think when I started that I would have been done by now, but the truth is that there is a lot in my insides that need to be undone and relearned and retrained and released and all of that takes time. Especially for a girl like me, a girl who chokes on her words and they get stuck in the back of my throat. A girl who takes a long time to trust that I can say things out loud in front of eyes and it will all be okay. A girl whose words flee from her mind when someone is there to hear them. All of that takes time to work through and time is running out. And to be perfectly honest, even with two years in I am feeling like it just hasn’t been enough. I am tellin’ ya peoples I am a messy, messy thing. I am not sure how things are gonna look or work when we move, but I am going to keep on trying.

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