Watching Fezziwig Dance

If you have seen A Christmas Carol you may well remember the scene in which Scrooge is visited by the ghost of Christmas past and taken to a happier time when he was a boy.  He was working for Mr. Fezziwig who was hosting a dance for his employees.  Scrooge was there watching those happy times, but he was unable to interact in them.  He had to watch as happiness played out around him. 

I think I can best describe Depression like this.  Only instead of the past it is my life and there is only a ghost left of my happier me and I am locked somewhere inside watching life play out around me, unable to be a part of it's happiness.

I laugh and my laughs sound hollow.  I smile, but the smiles seem so shallow.  I am left watching Fezziwig dance and I want to dance with him, but I am but a shadow and our arms can't link.

I Wanna Twirl.

At church this morning during worship there was a little girl in the front row.  She was adorable, dressed in her flowing, twirly, princess dress.  As we were singing she could not help but move out into the isle where she could have more room.  She sang, she danced, raised her hands in praise, and she twirled.  The twirling was her favorite I think.  Her little skirt raising up in the air as she spun.  She was fully engulfed in the moment.  There was no hesitation in her movement.  She didn't care who was watching, she was there to worship.  Every so often she would stumble over her feet, fall to her knees, bottom up in the air, ruffled panties peaking out.  The stumbling didn't seem to phase her.  She would just pop back up and continue dancing.

As I watched her I wished that my journey with God were like that.  That I could just let all of my inhibitions go.  That I would live in the moment, not caring if anyone was watching.  Arms raised, filled with so much joy that I can't help but twirl.  I wish that when I stumble and am down on my knees, exposed to the world, that I would pop myself back up and begin to dance again.  Oh to have the faith of a child.


*3/11/13

I wrote this almost three years ago as I was in the middle of a raging war of my mind and body.  I am still working on having this child like faith.  I want to be that little girl twirling and twirling with her Jesus. 

I want that JOY.  That blind J.O.Y.  that super imposes all the eyes that might be looking.  I want to love myself enough that when I stumble down and fall (and oh how I have stumbled and fallen since the original writing of this) that I pick myself up and search for the joy instead of berating myself for the falling and for the everything thing else that lies beyond that circle of twirling. 

God help me twirl despite the fears, despite the un-knowns, despite the knowns even.  Lord, just shine so much light that all I see is You and the rest fades away, because somewhere in this decrepit mind and body is a little girl who just wants to twirl with you and for you.

Linking up with Emily for her Monday Love Dare Series