*I never time myself for Five Minute Fridays. I just take the word and let it lead me for however long it leads.*
LEAVE
The man's hands rested on my shoulders. I couldn't look him in the eyes. All I could do was pull away from him as I took a small step back.
"Leave, leave, leave! Don't let me leave."
My mind was at war and the room was starting to shrink in on me. I had stood in line waiting for this moment, fighting myself the whole time, telling myself I could do this, it would be okay. Now here I was, it was my turn, and I was not okay. I couldn't speak, I couldn't look, all I could do was pull away.
"Where are you going?" He asked with concern and caring.
I couldn't answer, only back up and pull away.
"Don't let me leave." My mind cried out for him to keep me there, keep me standing while my body refused and kept backing further up.
He whispered a hurried prayer and released my shoulders.
I turned and my whole body felt wild inside, like an animal fleeing for its life, wild.
The room kept closing in on me, people were a blur behind the water that stung my eyes.
I saw the doors. I pushed through them.
I could breathe again. Big gasping breaths. An animal fleeing for its life. Reactionary. I had left, but had no where to go.
"Hide, just hide."
I hid in a corner, invisible, tears streaming, thoughts like a hurricane blowing through my mind.
They called for me. Calling like a shepherd calls for his little lost sheep.
But the big scary wolf was still too near. It was within this little sheep that had ran for its life, so I stayed hidden until it was safe to return.
What is a little animal to do when it is both the sheep and the wolf and all it knows how to do is run?
It doesn't know how to stay, only how to leave.
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*Sorry for any confusion on this. This is just a glimpse through a window of a moment of time in my life. This particular moment happened at a church retreat for women where healing was supposed to take place, but I fear that one has to know how to stay and how to stand in order to be healed. This is what the word "Leave" brought to mind.*
I really like your writing style--but I confess that I'm completely confused. :)
ReplyDeleteI see your posts about depression in the sidebar, and that's something we have in common. I'm off to read them now.
Stopping by from FMF.
Thank you Melissa. Sorry for the confusion. This was just a story of a moment in time brought about by the word "Leave". Just a glimpse through a window.
DeleteThat makes sense now. Thanks for clarifying it for me!
DeleteNo problem, thanks for reading!
DeleteWell written and heart breaking ... I love your style, the picture was clear. But might I tell you something ... you don't have to stand and be prayed over for your healing. I wrote the 31 Day Challenge on Healing scriptures and what I get out of them. I don't know where you are in your healing my dear, but it was made complete in Christ. Now all there is to do is wrap your head around that ... not easy, and I am still on that journey. Would love to walk with you! I'm adding your blog to my list of blogs that must be read! (yes, I have many days to fill ... doing the challenge and actually reading posts was very difficult. that just got easier today. haha.)
ReplyDeletehttp://hopeannfaith.wordpress.com/31-days-of-bloggers-you-gotta-read-what/
Blessings.
Andrea, a FMF Friend.
http://hopeannfaith.wordpress.com/2014/10/31/i-will-never-leave-or-forsake-he-said-31days-of-31days-on-fmf/
Thank you Andrea. I do agree that healing does not have to come from Standing and staying while being prayed over but there does in some way need to be a standing and staying spiritually that happens. If that makes sense. I have had a lot of little healings happen before and since this moment in time happened. But I think that healing can take time, a working through. For some the road is faster than for others. I am okay with that. There is still some struggles that I run from. I am working on staying and standing through them. It is a process. Thanks for reading. I will be visiting your blog soon.
Deletethat was beautiful, karmen.
ReplyDeleteThank you Karen.
DeleteI can feel your pain and panic, Karmen. It reminds me of how fear drives us to run away from God Who is the very rest we need. Praying you will find ever deeper healing in Jesus! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteThank you Trudy. Funny how fear can cause us to run from that which we need. I am working on the not running.
DeleteVery engaging story. I know the internal struggle within. It can be maddening. So often when we want to bolt out the door, we don't consider where were going. Leave--escape--is the only thought, but to what better place are we running. The emotions are too raw and wild to see at the time. When war within has a time to settle, it is good to look back and ask. What did I leave? Where did I go?
ReplyDeleteThere are times when leave is the right choice. Even so, "the running to" (the destination) is important as well.