*I never time myself for Five Minute Fridays. I just take the word and let it lead me for however long it leads.*
The man's hands rested on my shoulders. I couldn't look him in the eyes. All I could do was pull away from him as I took a small step back.
"Leave, leave, leave! Don't let me leave."
My mind was at war and the room was starting to shrink in on me. I had stood in line waiting for this moment, fighting myself the whole time, telling myself I could do this, it would be okay. Now here I was, it was my turn, and I was not okay. I couldn't speak, I couldn't look, all I could do was pull away.
"Where are you going?" He asked with concern and caring.
I couldn't answer, only back up and pull away.
"Don't let me leave." My mind cried out for him to keep me there, keep me standing while my body refused and kept backing further up.
He whispered a hurried prayer and released my shoulders.
I turned and my whole body felt wild inside, like an animal fleeing for its life, wild.
The room kept closing in on me, people were a blur behind the water that stung my eyes.
I saw the doors. I pushed through them.
I could breathe again. Big gasping breaths. An animal fleeing for its life. Reactionary. I had left, but had no where to go.
"Hide, just hide."
I hid in a corner, invisible, tears streaming, thoughts like a hurricane blowing through my mind.
They called for me. Calling like a shepherd calls for his little lost sheep.
But the big scary wolf was still too near. It was within this little sheep that had ran for its life, so I stayed hidden until it was safe to return.
What is a little animal to do when it is both the sheep and the wolf and all it knows how to do is run?
It doesn't know how to stay, only how to leave.
*Sorry for any confusion on this. This is just a glimpse through a window of a moment of time in my life. This particular moment happened at a church retreat for women where healing was supposed to take place, but I fear that one has to know how to stay and how to stand in order to be healed. This is what the word "Leave" brought to mind.*