The Hard Goodbye

Today was a day of goodbyes. 

 I couldn't let myself really sink into the goodbye's too deeply or I wouldn't have been able to move on to the next. 

 It started with my last visit to the hospital where my boys receive their therapies once a week. 

We go two different days a week for 3 different boys. 

 One of the secretaries I have been chit chatting casual conversations with for the last 9 years.  Knowing that I would not be walking into that waiting room again was hard enough, but when I left there I went to my hardest goodbye......

The hard goodbye that leaves me tear soaked and childlike.

  The one that emotionally has my child me clinging to legs and begging to stay while the rational me pulls that clinging child away.

 It was a very hard goodbye. 

 I couldn't let myself sink completely into it while I was there. 

 Now that it is 7 hours later the depth of it is washing over me. 

 I want to run back in time and say more, feel more, be more, but there is no running back into time; 

  no re-opening that door and clinging to legs for one more moment.

So I will breathe and lay back into it, try to float above these lapping waves of sadness so that they don't over take me. 

I know that the sun will rise tomorrow and that the hurting child will calm and somehow learn to grow. 

But for now I will let her and I ride on these emotions,

because if I don't we both might drown.

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