They are small, but they are mighty.

Sometimes the steps we take are so small that we don’t even realize we have taken them.

I wrote last about how I was still just standing still, but what I didn’t realize when I wrote that is that although I was indeed standing still at that moment, I was standing in a different place.  I had been moving all along and hadn’t even realized it.  When I wrote of the thorns I was thick inside of them.  I am no longer there.  Was I standing still in that sanctuary?  Yes, I was; but here is the thing I missed, are you ready for it?  I was out of the thorns….I was out of them and IN A SANCTUARY.  I was so focused on the standing that I forgot to look at my surroundings. 

When I was in the thorns I was so stuck because I felt so empty.  I felt like nothing .  I felt like I knew better and I did what was wrong anyways.  I knew God was waiting for me and loving me, but I was too ashamed to accept it.  For a long time, really until just this week, I felt as though my actions made everything that I had said about God and His love hollow and less believable to others.  This week I have been re-reading back through all of those early blogs.  What I am finding is that those early words have not been negated by my actions, but that God is using them, using my own words to remind me of the deep truths of His love.  And here is the really wooooo-eee-oooooohhhhh realization: the whole time I was struggling, the whole time I was writing down those words God knew what was coming.  He already knew the choices I was going to make. He already knew the words I would need to hear again and again to get me out of those thorns and He had me write them.  There is a kind of awe-inspiring peace that comes when you can see His hand throughout it all. 

I wrote very early on in this blog about a Healing Road .  In that particular blog I wrote how some roads are lined with brambles.  At that point in my life I was still on the road and the brambles I got tangled in weren’t even in my line of sight.  When I saw those words as I reread this week it just struck me.  It struck me hard that God knew what was coming even if I didn’t. 

So much is going on in my heart and my mind here.  Everywhere I turn now I see little steps; little heart steps, and life steps, and healing steps.  They are small, but they are mighty. 

If you are struggling to see past your hurts, your choices, your circumstances and you feel like you are stuck standing still let me tell you that I understand.  I see you.  I hear you.  But more importantly God sees you, hears you, understands you and even if they are small, and even if there is months between the stepping trust me when I say that one day you will look around and you too will find that your surroundings have changed.  Just keep breathing my friends and seeking God.  And it is okay if sometimes seeking Him comes in pain soaked sobs.  And it is okay if it comes in the broken sighs where all you can do is just keep taking one breath after another.  The one thing I can tell you, the one thing that I KNOW is that God loves you, friend, and He will stand on that road with you no matter how small the steps you take and no matter how long it takes you to start moving.  Just keep checking your surroundings.

linking up with Five minute Friday for "small" although this took me longer than five minutes to write.
and also linking up with Emily and her imperfect prose community.

 

and also with

I Love You, Too

Karson, my 2 year old, often comes up to me and says "I love you too, Mom."  His sweet little words of love to me express that he already knows that I love him.  There is no questioning in his statement.  My love for him is known and he is expressing his love back to me. 

Often when he says this to me I can't help but think of God and His love.  It is amazing to me how much my children can teach me about my relationship with God.  I should be saying "I love you too God".  Do I have that innocent, child-like faith that knows of a Heavenly Father that already loves me without having to question it?  Sometimes I do, but sometimes this world gets in the way of that.  I question His love for me.  I wonder if His love changes based on my actions and attitudes. 

If I look at how I love my son,  (un-conditionally, deep and unwavering since the moment I knew of his existence, without having to have him do a single thing but exist to obtain that love) how much more can and does God love me for absolutely no reason more than the mere fact that I exist?! 

If distance comes between God and I it is not due to a lack of love on God's part.  I think again of the relationship between parent and child.  When a child is 2 they are headstrong, defiant, and wanting to separate themselves from their parent.  The vision in my head is of a child running as fast as they can to some dangerous but alluring distraction.  I am that 2 year old.  I am running towards that dangerous new distraction, wanting freedom from the watchful eyes of my "parent".  Like a parent, God doesn't turn His back and run the opposite way.  His love doesn't lesson or move away from me.  I am the one causing the distance.  Depending on the situation, God is either standing firm in His same position, watching carefully waiting for me to run back to Him asking Him to kiss away the "boo-boos" or He is running towards me.  His love is running towards me trying desperately to spare me from whatever mortal danger I am chasing this time. 

So often in the church we hear that sin separates us from God.  It is true it does, but like in my illustration above, I don't think it is God who is walking away from us when we sin, it is us defiant, head-strong, easily distracted 2 year olds running away from Him that causes separation.  Un-like a 2 year old though, we forget what my own son knows about our relationship and that is that we can always walk back to God look up at Him and say, "I love you, too!"  We/I don't have to question if this time He will kiss the "boo-boos" my dis-obedience caused.  I don't have to question if His love for me has grown cold or if He has grown tired in the wait for me to turn around and run back to Him.  I need to have that innocent child-like faith that no matter what, no matter how far I run, no matter how long it takes, or how big the "boo boo's"  I can always come back to God and say, "I love you, too", because I should know that His love never left, changed, wavered, or moved away from me.

I can't help but think of the story of the prodigal son.  I always thought of it as a story for the non believer, but now that I think upon it, I am almost convinced that it is more so for the believers.  The child was already a son, he took his inheritance and he went far away from his father and his home.  He wasted his inheritance and lived in a way in which he should not have.  The whole time he was gone his father never moved, he stayed, waiting for the son to return.  When the son finally did return the father RAN to him, he threw a huge party, he welcomed him home.  Notice the father didn't stand there with his arms crossed, asking questions, saying "I told you so", or refuse to see him.  No, I will say it again, HE RAN  to his lost child.  WOW!  Isn't that awesome cool?!  The father never gave up hope of seeing his son return, he never grew tired of waiting, his love never dimmed. 

I don't know where any of you are in your lives, but wherever you are I hope you know that you can turn to God and in all confidence say to Him, "I love you, too!", because I hope you know that His love for you is already established, simply because you exist!

*Thanks God for that reminder, shown to me in such a small and powerful way through my own son. I love you, too God.  I love you, too.*