The theme of needing/wanting a hero has come up in my words before. More than once even. I have been on a search for a hero my whole life, but I have begun to realize that the elusive hero isn't going to come.
I am heading off to a women's retreat with my church this weekend. To tell you the truth, a big part of me wishes that I weren't. I have been fighting myself about going since they began talking about it. It is not your typical retreat, they call it Encounter. We are going to encounter God. There are actually quite a few rules attached with going. Rules that make this rebellious heart want to break them all. I haven't even left yet and I already feel fenced in, corralled.
On Wednesday night we had a pre-retreat meeting to discuss what to bring, what not to bring, and what to expect. My group leader talked about how if we are open to Him we will grow so close with God this weekend. Can I tell you how much I wanted to run right then. Intimacy with God, should be every Christian's dream right? Nope, not me. Not even with God.
I mock myself a little about this, because hello! this is God we are talking about Karmen. He already knows every intimate detail that there is to know about me, He is not the one who is going to be learning anything new. Since I knew this, I know it is not God knowing me that I fear as much as it is knowing what it will unlock inside of me.
Our group leader spoke of how as we go through life we pick up rocks and garbage along the way that we shove in our packs as we go. This weekend she said is designed to help us unpack a lot of that stuff.
Part of me wants that more than you can imagine, but another part of me is very afraid of holding those rocks in my hand. There is a well spring of anger attached to those rocks and I think if I pick them up that I am just as likely as not to start hurtling those rocks at God like a child throwing a temper tantrum and there is no telling who or what might get caught in the cross fire.
You are probably wondering what all of this has to do with "Hero". I don't know, other than maybe I am still looking for one.
Hi Karmen, Visiting from FMF. I love what you wrote. You probably tapped into what many women feel about being known and the fear of what will happen once we start looking at the trash and the rocks. I do pray that you will "encounter" the God who loves you more than you will ever know - even with all the rocks and trash. Unclench your fists and go with hands open wide to receive whatever He has for you. Blessings and Joy to you.
ReplyDeleteKarmen - I totally relate to what you said. I had (have) the same fear. But when I admitted to God how I found it so hard to trust him, and so hard to believe that he wouldn't reject me/fail me like others in my life - I realise he has been so faithful and gentle and absolutely insistent that it's HIM I need to turn to. Jesus is my hero - I pray you encounter him and when you give him all the broken pieces of your heart that he helps you bind them back together - he promises to do so.
ReplyDeleteKarmen,
ReplyDeleteI pray for a fantastic retreat! I always am so glad I went when i go--even though it is hard to get out the door to leave. Can't wait to hear all about it!
I think this has everything to do with "hero," Karmen. And once again, in your willingness to be transparent, I hope you can see you're not alone in what you've described. I've been there, too. But I'm praying, along with the others, that you would be surprised this weekend, by the strength and tenacity, gentleness and fervor of Christ's healing love for you. I look forward to hearing...
ReplyDeleteI hate retreats, too. I hate them, I tell you.
ReplyDeleteI think part of my issue is that there is SO much information and so much introspection that I feel overwhelmed. I do.not like to be rushed with that kind of thing. So, just an hour on Friday might keep my mind and heart busy for a week or two. But, NO! There are hours and hours and hours more to process and devour throughout a whole weekend! Wow. I'm a crazy notetaker ... jotting down one thing after another so that I can go back and weed through it all. So, I'm with you, girl.
My struggle may also have something to do with not showing emotion. My ex trained me so well that I should not feel all that emotion ... that I was just "crazy." So, I've done well to contain it. Those ladies retreat allow no such "containing" nonsense.
Your rock analogy is wonderful. As you began, I thought about a dam and how removing a rock or two could allow a shift that would release ... well ... everything held back behind it. It's a dangerous thing when you start moving rocks around.
All that having been said, since you've gone, I hope your weekend is blessing you. I hope that you are hearing just the right words and feeling just the right release that your heart can pry a few rocks out of the way and find that they are a can successfully be dropped underfoot to lift you up out of some of the mire.
Much love, friend.
I have not been able to emotionally comment on here since coming back. Karen, your damn analogy was prophetic. It was as if I grabbed right from the middle and much of what it held back has been released and I am caught in its destruction while trying to still perform my everyday duties. The waters seem to be winning.
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