It was snowing this morning. Our first "real" snow of the season where it decided to stick and accumulate in the grass. I had a 1:30 appointment for a CAT scan, so due to the snow I decided to leave early and give myself plenty of time to get there safely and register.
The waiting room itself was just a little hovel of a space carved out of a wall in the hallway. The furniture looked as though it had come from the 80's, maybe even off of a set from the Golden Girls. Plastic faded mauve pink tables and metal chairs some covered in a diluted purple pattern and others in aqua green color. Two tables and 7 chairs in all.
A man sat in the corner to my left. He sat there sipping his contrast while I tried to get 3G on my phone. As we sat another man joined us on the right of me. He had a stack of papers in his hand, I assumed they were forms to fill out. He was only there for about 1 minute when he was called back for whatever procedure he was getting.
This hallway waiting room was not going to give me internet satisfaction, so I put my phone away in my purse.
An older man and woman came and joined us next. I had assumed they were a couple but he was actually her Father. She carried her two bottles of contrast in with her. They were very friendly. We joked about how I felt left out since I did not get any lovely bottles of liquid contrast of my own.
As we sat the Father told us it was his "baby girl" that he was here with and that he was totally healthy. He had no aches and pains, lumps or bumps, not a thing wrong. She put up her fists and told him that if he didn't knock it off he was going to have some pain in his head.
He asked her if she had told her boys about whatever it was that she was getting a CAT scan for. You could tell he was concerned about his baby. She told him that only he knew, she didn't want to worry anyone until she knew what it was she was dealing with and if there was even a reason to be concerned.
He joked again about being perfectly healthy for being such an old fart. I told him I would gladly trade with him. But behind his jokes I knew he was wishing he could trade places with her.
It was time for the man in the corner to go get his scan. The other two wished him luck.
It hadn't really hit me that this process would be concerning. I myself have a lump on my neck of who knows what. I went to this appointment with excitement, because maybe now this thing, whatever it is, will have an answer; a reason behind it. It may even unlock the mystery of what has been plaguing my body off and on for the last three years.
I thought about what it would be like to be on the other side: Afraid of finding out the answers, afraid of what might come next.
I tend to be a person who thinks of all the possibilities and then prepares myself mentally for them. In this case I think I expect to hear it is just another anomaly, something that cannot be explained by medical testing. I have told myself that if it comes back with an answer, even the cancer kind of answer, that I will be okay with it, glad even, because it will be SOMETHING instead of nothing, again.
As I sat and laughed with and observed the people in the out dated chairs I started to wonder just how I would handle hearing that it was something. Really, actually, something...... To be honest, I am not sure.
I think it will be a lot like when I found out I was pregnant with my oldest only a month into my relationship with my husband. I cried because I was happy and I cried because I was scared.
I will be glad to have the results in the next 48 hours, because then I can move forward from there.
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Showing posts with label waiting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label waiting. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Sunday, December 5, 2010
My Appointment with the Rheumatologist
On the Monday before Thanksgiving I had an 8:10 am appointment with a Rheumatologist. The paper work I received in the mail said that the appointment would be an hour and a half long. The office is in Tacoma, about an hour away from my house. It just so happened that this particular Monday it was snowing, so I gave myself extra time to get there and left my house at 5:45 in the morning. The roads were pretty good until we got into Tacoma. They had quite a bit more snow than what we had in Bremerton. I was in the parking lot by 6:45. I took a little nap, visited with my Dad who rode with me, and then went up to the office at 8:00.
I waited for about 15-20 minutes in the waiting room before they took me back into a room. The nurse told me that the Dr. was running late because of the snow. I laid down and finished taking my nap on the exam table while I waited for him to show up. An hour later he finally came in.
He looked at me lying on the table and said to me that I must always be tired. I am. One of the questions I filled out on the paperwork was how many hours of sleep do you get at night. My answer was anywhere from 3 to 7 hours with 5 being the average.
He asked me a few questions. He saw that I had checked that I am dealing with depression. He asked me how depressed I am. I told him that I am pretty depressed. He then asked me why. I just shrugged my shoulders, because honestly I don't know why. He asked if I had been suicidal or thought of hurting myself. I said that I had. He asked if I was seeing a counselor. I told him that I was going to start seeing one next weekend. He asked about my marriage, if it is good or not. He then asked me a few more questions about my health, told me to strip down to my skivvies, put on a gown, and he would be back in a minute.
When he came back he checked my reflexes, pushed on my shoulders, felt my neck, listened to me breath and asked me again when I was starting counseling. When I told him he said, "good'. He asked if I had any questions for him. I did. I told him that I am pretty flexible and I had seen online that joint hypermobility could cause joint pain and if I might have that. He looked at me and shrugged his shoulders and said, "you have it." He didn't offer any more information so I asked him if that didn't really have any bearing on anything. He said not really, told me to get dressed and he would be back in. I was kind of surprised at his reaction since my online research said that only a doctor could diagnose hypermobility and that they have a checklist that they usually use to test for it. I believe it is called the Brighton's Scale or something like that. Out of the 9 possible points I have 7. The doctor didn't check for any of them. I can touch both thumbs to my forearm, I can bend both pinky's back to a 90 degree angle or more, I can bend both knees WAY back past a normal locked position, and I am able to touch my palms to the floor without bending my knees. The only points I am missing is the ability to bend my elbows the wrong way. Again, he didn't check any of that.
When he came back in he told me that he couldn't tell me if I had lupus or not. He said they would draw some blood, prescribed me a non-steroidal anti-inflamatory, and said he would see me in a month. My hour and a half apt. ended up being about 10 minutes with the Dr. total. I left the room and went and had 11 viles of blood drawn. A record amount of blood drawn for me. Fortunately blood and needles don't bother me.
I left feeling very frustrated, blown off, and pretty much like I had wasted my time. The snow had gotten quite a bit worse by that time so driving home was much more precarious than getting to the appointment. Looking back on the experience it is pretty much the whole reason why I rarely go to the Dr. for myself. Fortunately, my Dr. at the Naval hospital is pretty much awesome and he actually listens to me, believes what I am telling him, and is a good communicator. When I told him how I was treated he seemed to be just as frustrated as I was by it. If my next appointment doesn't go any better he told me he would refer me to someone else. So, now you are all up to speed on everything I know medically about myself, which is not much.
I waited for about 15-20 minutes in the waiting room before they took me back into a room. The nurse told me that the Dr. was running late because of the snow. I laid down and finished taking my nap on the exam table while I waited for him to show up. An hour later he finally came in.
He looked at me lying on the table and said to me that I must always be tired. I am. One of the questions I filled out on the paperwork was how many hours of sleep do you get at night. My answer was anywhere from 3 to 7 hours with 5 being the average.
He asked me a few questions. He saw that I had checked that I am dealing with depression. He asked me how depressed I am. I told him that I am pretty depressed. He then asked me why. I just shrugged my shoulders, because honestly I don't know why. He asked if I had been suicidal or thought of hurting myself. I said that I had. He asked if I was seeing a counselor. I told him that I was going to start seeing one next weekend. He asked about my marriage, if it is good or not. He then asked me a few more questions about my health, told me to strip down to my skivvies, put on a gown, and he would be back in a minute.
When he came back he checked my reflexes, pushed on my shoulders, felt my neck, listened to me breath and asked me again when I was starting counseling. When I told him he said, "good'. He asked if I had any questions for him. I did. I told him that I am pretty flexible and I had seen online that joint hypermobility could cause joint pain and if I might have that. He looked at me and shrugged his shoulders and said, "you have it." He didn't offer any more information so I asked him if that didn't really have any bearing on anything. He said not really, told me to get dressed and he would be back in. I was kind of surprised at his reaction since my online research said that only a doctor could diagnose hypermobility and that they have a checklist that they usually use to test for it. I believe it is called the Brighton's Scale or something like that. Out of the 9 possible points I have 7. The doctor didn't check for any of them. I can touch both thumbs to my forearm, I can bend both pinky's back to a 90 degree angle or more, I can bend both knees WAY back past a normal locked position, and I am able to touch my palms to the floor without bending my knees. The only points I am missing is the ability to bend my elbows the wrong way. Again, he didn't check any of that.
When he came back in he told me that he couldn't tell me if I had lupus or not. He said they would draw some blood, prescribed me a non-steroidal anti-inflamatory, and said he would see me in a month. My hour and a half apt. ended up being about 10 minutes with the Dr. total. I left the room and went and had 11 viles of blood drawn. A record amount of blood drawn for me. Fortunately blood and needles don't bother me.
I left feeling very frustrated, blown off, and pretty much like I had wasted my time. The snow had gotten quite a bit worse by that time so driving home was much more precarious than getting to the appointment. Looking back on the experience it is pretty much the whole reason why I rarely go to the Dr. for myself. Fortunately, my Dr. at the Naval hospital is pretty much awesome and he actually listens to me, believes what I am telling him, and is a good communicator. When I told him how I was treated he seemed to be just as frustrated as I was by it. If my next appointment doesn't go any better he told me he would refer me to someone else. So, now you are all up to speed on everything I know medically about myself, which is not much.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The waiting is hard....
I feel like I am trying to catch the wind. I can feel this, whatever it is, beating against me from every direction. I can hear it whistling through this body of mine, blowing things asunder wherever it goes. I want to catch hold of it, see it, study it's every angle and feel the weight of it in my hands. But my hands are empty.
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